blabber.

I always thought that resting on your laurels could be just about the worse thing that anybody could do- We should never be satisfied with have now as there are always greater things out there up for grabs that we should fight for. And I have always lived my life like that. I am never satisfied with what I have or achieved for too long, convinced that there would always be that illusive somebody out there who is beating me by a mile. And I want to catch up with that stupid fucker and beat the shite out of him.

The thing is, after I have surpassed him, another one would just pop up quickly and the whole cycle would just repeat by itself and its so tiring to never ever be the top dog at anything. I am tired. I know the only person that we should compete with is ourselves but thats it- You would never ever be able surpass yourself ultimately. Every success would just stack up like a slush pile as you beat the shite out of yourself to "out-better" the previous achievement. And its kinda pointless if you think of it that way.

Besides, you don't get the cheap thrill out of watching a dozen pairs of jealous glares as you exterminate your competitors one by one.

Not that I would know of course.

Is this what it means to be a perfectionist?

Anyway, so as i was saying, maybe its time I stop beating myself out and appreciate everything that I have achieved instead of furrowing my eyebrows and wondering if anybody could surpass the record that I have set. Maybe I should stop thinking about trying to be the best in everything ( im not).

But then im scared i would let myself go so much I would never ever catch up.

So which choice should I choose? I don't know.

But knowing me, i would probably choose the one that would let me beat myself out.

argh, Im so,so confused.