Doing myself in

Work keeps the demons away. It makes me feel human(ish), worthy and less invisible. Because holing up at home on day thats been pissing outside since morning has frayed my nerve endings terribly and there is only so much time a person can have in their hands before they lose it.

Now, if only work didnt gave me such an inexistent income and gave my fellow collegues big brains to go with their big hearts.

I know that people do get that random, horrible bout of depression now and then. Which is why I thought I didnt have a problem; probably too much hormones in the blood and a lack of sugar. Nothing a little chocolate and an episode of Ghost Whisperer can't solve.

Or so I thought. days dragged to months and now its a full year and I am still feeling it. Even when I'm ridding rings around myself with work it still stays around as a suppressed undercurrent of , I dunno, negative energy i suppose, till the next time I have nothing to do and it explodes in my face.

The perfect reason why Holidays arent all that it had been cocked up to be.

I wish I could say that it is just a pre-menstrual phrase thing and that I would get over it soon enough but I cant. And whining about it is not only such a terrible turn-off, it hangs a neon sign over you that spells L-O-S-E-R , shining like a beacon for the whole world to see. Ranting on my blog to let off abit of steam is the only thing I can do.

I wish I would understand why I am feeling this way. But I don't.

And this really sucks. Because half a million Africans are starving to death and yet I'm still being such a stupid suicidal self obsessed bitch.

Not like I can help it though.