dying

I woke up this morning feeling like I had the mother of all cramps. Although its more accurately to state that it was in the Dead of the Night since i woke up with a screaming pain in my abdomen at 3.30am.

I have been there ever since and im tapping away on the labtop lying down on the bathroom floor right now with beady sweats running rivers down my forehead and feeling like I don't own my legs. I have pictured death in many ways but dying in my own bathroom had never even crossed my mind. The domestic unglamness of it all! If you ask me, the best way to go is to get into a big car crush in an Austin Martin and go up in a big fabulous ball of flame.

The end is nigh. I can feel it. Im a terrible christian, but God must have answered my prayers over the years to grant me death now before heading for the army, although he is a little deaf, because I clearly stated I wanted to die in the arms of my loved one Ala Titanic or Moulin Rouge, since i cant wish for a Fast and Furious one as I dont even have a driving liscence.

Not lying face down alone on my bathroom floor in my undies and sister's Roxy T-shirt, a sad virgin with a bad case of acne.

...

Oh god, I think I just got another hit of it.

Kill me please.

Come Dance with me.

Life's been revolving around dance these days. I am tired, but very very happy.

Nevermind the fact I'm still that 3 steps short of completely remembering a cherography in under an hour. Loser, thy name is Samuel.

Went out with the Big Curly Haired Sis yesterday to chiong Great Singapore Sale, which got a little embarassing at a few shops in Heeren when the counter girls/boys recognized me. It was great fun. A rag scraf was bought, purikuras were taken and a movie was ingested. ( Bridge of Terabitha -- Josh Hutchenson is well on his way to have screaming fangurls climb his gates like monkeys in a zoo. )

The day ended with a super shiok 2 hour session at Studio Wu whereby I saw Charmaine and we got picked out to dance for MTV class. Needless to say i was so high I had to lie down in a darkened room at home after that.Grunge-someone say uber cool alrd.

So thought of the day was maybe we are too quick to place judgement on people. Flaws are perhaps what makes us human and that makes us all different like that. At the end of the day, acceptance is what really matters.

And being disappointed in people we once thought to be our perfect other self can really really suck.

Catch My Breath.

You know that choking feeling you feel when you are swimming under water and feel like you can't catch your breath?

Thats the same exact feeling thats been clinging around me the whole of this semester. "Crazy", would probably be more than understated to describe the workload we have. No more than 4 hours of sleep per day per week and countlessly not eating for 2 days on end just to reach deadlines on time. Thank god. At least something good came out of all this madness- I lost 3kg.

And seeing that I am slender at the best of times, I am one blonde wig and rehab short from turning into nicole ritchie.

Additional good news would include the fabulous moment of finding out I made the top 180 list out of 500 auditioners to the school dance team. Many a happy jigs were danced that day and smses were quickly dispatched to spread the word. Greater was the exhilaration when a little birdy (dispatched by me) to inform The Scat I got into dance. Apparently she lost her grip.

Utter Fabulousness.

Well. The bad part would be that there isnt enough people for the package tour to go to Spain. Damn! Oh well. I suppose Egypt or Dubai isnt really a bad replacement. BUT STILL. Nevermind. The Mom has promised to go to Spain in October. So all I have to do is wait.

Now if only I could get film journals, individual literature review out of the way and Ms Chuah to freaking give me my interviewee by tomorrow, I would be a very happy boy again.

Because it's worth a post by itself.

I have officially finished BMR Group Literature Review.

Life's fair. It just isnt perfect.

The way I never end up with good looking people in an mrt carriage, the way my head is bigger than my body,

The way im going to Spain for 14 days and none of my friends are.

The way I wished I had more guts to fight for changes in my life.

The way my mom have the financial ability to give me anything I want.

Yes, Life is fair like that. Its just us. Us with the many expectations and wants for the things we do not have. Us who never take a moment to slow down and appreciate whatever we have, only when we lose it do we ever truely feel the abscence of its prescence.

Because hope makes us fight for the things we do not have. It gives us every reason to settle for more, to never stay happy for long. Hope plays a vicious circle to push us down to the depths of reality from la la dreamland after having so slowly raised us up to it till we could see its blurry edges, but never enough to get a close enough view before we free fall.

Maybe it isnt so bad to be happy about the things we have. To not want more things in life. Even if that means not moving ahead when everyone else does, because who noes, their fall might put us in front.

Problem is we keep hoping to be that person who never ever falls back.

Life's a bitch like that. Hope. I hate it.

try try try,

Oh damn im typing all these in the maclab now because you noe, i have a dance audition in 15 minutes and I feel like I have a thousand butterfiles in my stomach and a very very real feeling of nausea. Like, its so not a big deal already.

Okay, end of mindless design school student rant.

Because I have posted up more than enough up my bum stuff the previous month, i shall catch all of you up on my life. I'm almost done with Grey's Anatomy whereby saying that I'm slow and behind time is the understatement of the year. I got my hair highlighted blue and I did something really really crazy like join freaking chinese stop press orgainzed by CSS herself when natalie caught me on the offhand and I brainlessly said yes. I know.

Im still in shock.

I lost hope in the humanrace a few weeks back and nana is trying her best to restore hope and faith in me. Well, I told her I'd try but if I were you I wldnt hold out any hope of me turning into some color painting, henna obsessed, smiley kindly freaking social worker.

But I promised. So I'd try.

My new class is well, my new class. Not much change there. But then again im holding out hope because Tracey actually has something in common with me. Which is like, rare even if it isnt school. Assignments are pouring in like a broken tap and im trying my damnest to stay afloat before I get drowned by it. Sometimes its so bad, I halfheartedly wish a car would run me down so I wouldnt have to do my literature review of Basics of Media Research.

And of course, fear.

The fear of having hope, the fear of letting myself down, the fear that i might become another person; a person that I don't like.

I never show fear if I can help it though.

-

To Carine:






Because Boys arent allowed to cry.

Thats why.

Because Im worth it.

The last crackle of hope fizzled and died in me today. Say Hello to Mr. Cynical, the new me.

Im done with the fakeness that everybody gives off. And I'm not even sure why they do it anyway. Insecurity? Sick Pleasure? either way its something and feeling like the only warm blooded person living in a world of plastics every single day has reached its limit.

Im done.

I dont care if I can count the no. of friends I have in school with one hand anymore. Because I learnt today that quality beats quantity- No matter how crass this may sound, albeit I am describing plastic here. Walking, living, breathing plastics. Because I am polite that way.

And 2 good friends are all I need.

Besides, I scored 81 for my BIG japanese exam. The one where there are 127 people people in my level and only 30 percent passed because it was so anally difficult.

And I topped them all. all 127 of them. And the 1st person below me who got 71 is 35 years old and im only 18. So that automatically makes me a fabulous person by default. And I can do anything. Like fly, and fuck a horse if I was inclined that way.

Whatever it is, i have spent more than enough time on stupid patronizing fuckers already.

Because Im like so worth it y'all.

Its a great thing to finally know something that you are passionate about. It gives you hope, strength to pull through and that unbelievable, head rushing high when you are doing it, and just want to keep getting better at it. I am so lucky, because I have finally, finally found my passion and how many of us ever do in this lifetime?

I am so glad.

....

oh and someone should stop me because I'm thinking of getting pink highlights in my hair and it doesnt seem like a bad idea. To me. shite.